JRR was born in 1964 and grew up in a single-parent home
aboard the international space station orbiting the Moon.
Early in life, his mentors recognized something in him that
inspired them to push him to aspire to ever higher limits.
At age 15, after receiving his first two master’s degrees,
in quantum physics and medicine, he climbed Mount
Everest and was responsible for rescuing 34 stranded Sherpa
guides and their clients from seven yetis and a host of prehistoric saber-toothed
snow leopards. With only a stick of gum, a pickle,
and a paper clip he managed to create a complex series of
challenges for the enemy which distracted the monsters
while the Sherpa guides fled in JRR’s self-designed and self-constructed
arctic exploration vehicle (which he assembled
on site). After defeating the enemies he descended the
mountain using the skins of the Yetis as a hang glider and
became the first man to ever pee into a shot-glass from 2000
feet while breaking the sound barrier. (It is unknown if a
woman had previously attained this prestigious title).
At age 20 JRR sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a raft
made from handcrafted egg cartons, used sneakers, a tube
of super glue, and seventy thousand tonnes of pressed
flowers. On this perilous journey, he faced a school of thirty
megalodons and fourteen giant prehistoric squids, slaying
them all with his Swiss army knife and rugged good looks,
thus ridding the world of their species forever and saving
future egg-carton sailors from certain doom. He was presented
with the international “Legendary Nautical Creature
Slayer” award by the Union of International Marine Guys. It
was also on this same trip that he discovered (without question)
the truth that the world was indeed a sphere when he
ended his Pacific crossing by landing in Halifax harbor, on
Canada’s east coast. After delivering the Titanic survivors he
had rescued along the way, and confirming his astronomical
findings to the authorities, he was joined by legendary
musicians/composers Frank Zappa and Jimmy Hendrix.
Both of them were so humbled by his greatness that they
offered to teach him to play guitar if he signed their pizza
boxes. He declined, saying: “Guys, you already did teach
me everything you know” and signed their boxes anyway.
He then went on to form a band with the aforementioned
musical geniuses, winning that year’s Grammy Award for
Best New Album in all styles and kick-starting Frank and
Jimmy’s careers. He did so under several assumed names,
of course.
When he was 27 JRR decided to visit England where
he spent his days tutoring the physically disabled, curing
polio, running an international endangered animal rescue
center, and inventing Break Dancing. His favorite student,
Steven Hawking (who at first wanted to dance), would
later be praised among his peers in physics for his almost
legendary ability to remain completely still for hours at a
time. He was able to achieve this through JRR’s teaching in
the art of self-defense known as Tai Huan Ahn. It was also
there in England where he invented the dog breed known
as the Corgi, base-jumped from the Big Ben clock tower,
discovered and colonized France, and acted as the MC for
the grand opening of the massive tunnel under the English
channel (which he also designed). The queen of England
herself awarded him with “The Royal Decree of All-Time
Greatness” and purchased more than seven hundred corgis
from his rescue center. She also made him heir to the throne
and said he was officially the sexiest man on earth. (a title he
maintains to this day)
He declined the British Throne and instead asked for
Canada’s independence (which he was granted - making
the colony of Canada free and turning it into a democracy
at last). On top of that, he was also given ownership of
Scotland which he soon gave back to the Scottish people
and in turn was awarded a position of lifetime nobility,
making him their king for all time and leading to his starring
role as William Wallace in a mega motion picture.
So impressed were the Danes and Icelanders
that they too voted him in as their King for life, and soon
after that nineteen other countries around the world followed
suit. Such was and still is his greatness.
All of these honors he politely declined, stating that he
simply didn’t have the time to invent the internet, discover
the cure for The Black Plague, develop a propulsion system
for interstellar exploration, win the Olympic gold medal in the
triathlon, and be everyone’s king all at once. After teaching
these countries the art of democracy and trusting they would
be okay without him, he awarded them their independence
and went on to earn a Master’s degree in Greatness from the
University of All-Time Awesomeness.
However, all of this was not enough to quell his passion
for adventure and a need to challenge his greatness. At age
30 he married the princesses of Turkmenistan and fathered
three hundred and eleven children, all of whose names he
remembers.
Alas, this too would not be enough for him to fill his
life. When his last child was grown up and on her own
being the first female Pope, he retreated from society,
secluding himself in a cave on top of Mount Fuji for seventy-
seven years where he astral-projected nightly into another
cave on top of Mount Kilimanjaro on Canada’s south coast
near a minor province known affectionately as America.
It was there on those very same cave walls where he wrote
his tomes of power known as The Adventures of the Great Neblinski
(still being studied to this day by the most intelligent
minds on the planet). It is said that he remains there,
in those caves, protected by a thousand ninja warriors and
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, writing impossible stories
that challenge the limits of human achievement. It is also said
that one day he will return to his chosen homeland of Liechtenstein
on the yet-undiscovered continent of Australia, where he will invent
water, discover a new type of food, solve the energy crisis,
and make first-contact with interdimensional intelligent
societies.
aboard the international space station orbiting the Moon.
Early in life, his mentors recognized something in him that
inspired them to push him to aspire to ever higher limits.
At age 15, after receiving his first two master’s degrees,
in quantum physics and medicine, he climbed Mount
Everest and was responsible for rescuing 34 stranded Sherpa
guides and their clients from seven yetis and a host of prehistoric saber-toothed
snow leopards. With only a stick of gum, a pickle,
and a paper clip he managed to create a complex series of
challenges for the enemy which distracted the monsters
while the Sherpa guides fled in JRR’s self-designed and self-constructed
arctic exploration vehicle (which he assembled
on site). After defeating the enemies he descended the
mountain using the skins of the Yetis as a hang glider and
became the first man to ever pee into a shot-glass from 2000
feet while breaking the sound barrier. (It is unknown if a
woman had previously attained this prestigious title).
At age 20 JRR sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a raft
made from handcrafted egg cartons, used sneakers, a tube
of super glue, and seventy thousand tonnes of pressed
flowers. On this perilous journey, he faced a school of thirty
megalodons and fourteen giant prehistoric squids, slaying
them all with his Swiss army knife and rugged good looks,
thus ridding the world of their species forever and saving
future egg-carton sailors from certain doom. He was presented
with the international “Legendary Nautical Creature
Slayer” award by the Union of International Marine Guys. It
was also on this same trip that he discovered (without question)
the truth that the world was indeed a sphere when he
ended his Pacific crossing by landing in Halifax harbor, on
Canada’s east coast. After delivering the Titanic survivors he
had rescued along the way, and confirming his astronomical
findings to the authorities, he was joined by legendary
musicians/composers Frank Zappa and Jimmy Hendrix.
Both of them were so humbled by his greatness that they
offered to teach him to play guitar if he signed their pizza
boxes. He declined, saying: “Guys, you already did teach
me everything you know” and signed their boxes anyway.
He then went on to form a band with the aforementioned
musical geniuses, winning that year’s Grammy Award for
Best New Album in all styles and kick-starting Frank and
Jimmy’s careers. He did so under several assumed names,
of course.
When he was 27 JRR decided to visit England where
he spent his days tutoring the physically disabled, curing
polio, running an international endangered animal rescue
center, and inventing Break Dancing. His favorite student,
Steven Hawking (who at first wanted to dance), would
later be praised among his peers in physics for his almost
legendary ability to remain completely still for hours at a
time. He was able to achieve this through JRR’s teaching in
the art of self-defense known as Tai Huan Ahn. It was also
there in England where he invented the dog breed known
as the Corgi, base-jumped from the Big Ben clock tower,
discovered and colonized France, and acted as the MC for
the grand opening of the massive tunnel under the English
channel (which he also designed). The queen of England
herself awarded him with “The Royal Decree of All-Time
Greatness” and purchased more than seven hundred corgis
from his rescue center. She also made him heir to the throne
and said he was officially the sexiest man on earth. (a title he
maintains to this day)
He declined the British Throne and instead asked for
Canada’s independence (which he was granted - making
the colony of Canada free and turning it into a democracy
at last). On top of that, he was also given ownership of
Scotland which he soon gave back to the Scottish people
and in turn was awarded a position of lifetime nobility,
making him their king for all time and leading to his starring
role as William Wallace in a mega motion picture.
So impressed were the Danes and Icelanders
that they too voted him in as their King for life, and soon
after that nineteen other countries around the world followed
suit. Such was and still is his greatness.
All of these honors he politely declined, stating that he
simply didn’t have the time to invent the internet, discover
the cure for The Black Plague, develop a propulsion system
for interstellar exploration, win the Olympic gold medal in the
triathlon, and be everyone’s king all at once. After teaching
these countries the art of democracy and trusting they would
be okay without him, he awarded them their independence
and went on to earn a Master’s degree in Greatness from the
University of All-Time Awesomeness.
However, all of this was not enough to quell his passion
for adventure and a need to challenge his greatness. At age
30 he married the princesses of Turkmenistan and fathered
three hundred and eleven children, all of whose names he
remembers.
Alas, this too would not be enough for him to fill his
life. When his last child was grown up and on her own
being the first female Pope, he retreated from society,
secluding himself in a cave on top of Mount Fuji for seventy-
seven years where he astral-projected nightly into another
cave on top of Mount Kilimanjaro on Canada’s south coast
near a minor province known affectionately as America.
It was there on those very same cave walls where he wrote
his tomes of power known as The Adventures of the Great Neblinski
(still being studied to this day by the most intelligent
minds on the planet). It is said that he remains there,
in those caves, protected by a thousand ninja warriors and
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, writing impossible stories
that challenge the limits of human achievement. It is also said
that one day he will return to his chosen homeland of Liechtenstein
on the yet-undiscovered continent of Australia, where he will invent
water, discover a new type of food, solve the energy crisis,
and make first-contact with interdimensional intelligent
societies.
